Food insecurity does not only affect your physical wellbeing but also your mental wellbeing, as I realized going through this challenge has a huge affect on my social life and overall state of happiness.
One common thing that students with food insecurity face is stigma and the fear of having people know about their food insecurity. I didn’t understand this until I started getting embarrassed myself. In class one day, a classmate gave my teacher a box of donuts in which she gave to me. This wouldn’t be an issue if it was after class, but as everyone took their seats and stared at her, she looked at me and handed me the box of donuts with every student looking at me jealousy as she stated along the lines, “You need this more than I do.” I took the donuts and awkwardly sat back down as no one understood why I got them and they didn’t. I wanted to hide under my desk when the person sitting next to me eyed the donuts. I gave him one, but soon everyone was looking at me, or so it felt. In the course of this challenge, I had numerous friends ask me to hang out, with one friend asking me to join her for a birthday dinner. I had to say no. I felt so embarrassed and guilty when I watched her reply with such disappointment, “Ok…” I couldn’t tell her why, making up an excuse that I had newspaper stuff I had to do. With my friends who do know about this challenge, every time they want to go out to eat they offer to pay. I feel guilty every time and I try to order the cheapest thing on the menu. I even denied time to go and study with my friends or hang out at their houses as I needed to go grocery shopping, go to the campus cupboard, and cook my meals in my free time. I felt sad when my friend reminisced about the times we sat in the Chinese Buffet for hours or would catch up over a bowl of pho. She said, “Let’s go!”. I had to tell her no. She didn’t understand, and I had to explain. I haven’t really heard from her in awhile. I even felt embarrassed when I was at the campus kitchen, and Karen Anderson, the sweetest lady I’ve ever met, packed me a whole bag’s worth of food from the kitchen. I felt guilty as I know it was food that could help someone else. It almost felt like I was stealing from them as I’m not actually in need. It even affects my relationship with my girlfriend as we lay in bed talking about how that mediterranean restaurant in town sounds so good right now, researching recipes on how to make hummus as we sighed at how expensive the ingredients are. I just want to take her out for a nice dinner, but I can’t. She wanted to go on a double date with her friend, but when they suggested dinner and a movie, we had to think of an excuse of why we couldn’t go as going out for food is common on dates, and it was something she couldn’t afford and I couldn’t do. All of a sudden, I wanted no one to know I was doing this challenge. I didn’t want anyone to question me, or stop hanging out with me because they don’t know what to do that doesn’t involve food or pay for me, I didn’t want any kind of pity. I just want my social life to be back to normal, but with food insecurity - there are restraints you can’t escape from.
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I made the biggest mistake of my life. I signed up for an all semester long aerobic conditioning class.
Exercising is extremely tiring for me, especially going through this challenge. The class begins at 9 a.m. and the teacher is ruthless. It doesn’t matter if you’re double chin jiggles with your belly when you run. It doesn’t matter that you look like you’re gonna die if you continue on - you have to keep moving. In my first class we had to run for 30 minutes straight and record how many laps we could do. I ran about 14 laps, equivalent to three and a half miles. The next weeks saw us doing HIIT exercising, running up and down a mile long hill, and various cardio and ab workout routines. I usually don’t have time to make breakfast in the morning as I prefer the beauty of sleeping. Every class I’m not only tired but fatigued and weak. I don’t eat much for dinner and usually feel like I’m starving when I wake up. The first week of my challenge, I tasted blood in my mouth when we did our exercises. I felt tired in class. I was unable to replenish and nourish my body after the class. The teacher encouraged us to eat a protein filled snack, but I couldn’t do that. My body ached so bad, I walked like I sprained my ankle and winced when I had to walk up or down the stairs. In classes, I would have to minimize my exercise. I began to walk during our laps. My teacher specifically told us not to, but I needed to. She gave me the look of a teacher to a student they think is slacking off. To one’s eye, I’m not fat. Even though I’m not necessarily fit, I definitely look like someone who could run a few laps without getting tired. I couldn’t even run a full lap without needing to walk. After exercising every class, I began to feel more hungry as my stomach rumbled. I was breaking down my body without being able to rebuild it. How am I going to survive this exercise class? I didn’t know I needed it that bad. For the first time, I admit, I am a pop addict. I ran laps during my exercise class and I couldn’t help but think, how refreshing a good Sprite would feel right now. I sat in my communications class with my homemade puppy chow I made with my girlfriend, and I couldn’t help but think how much better it would taste if I had a Dr. Pepper. I ate my leftover pasta and thought how amazing it would be to cleanse my palate and glug an orange soda. I sat awake late at night writing articles for my local campus newspaper thinking how much a Mtn. Dew would help to keep me awake.
I sat in my car after a long Tuesday, and vented to my girlfriend for hours on how much I wanted pop. She thinks I’m an addict. I ask why. “You literally can’t focus on anything else.” I didn’t think I could go on with my day without a sip of pop. I wanted it, no, I needed it and I would do whatever for it. Even quit the challenge. My girlfriend says I’m crazy and she would be disappointed in me if I did that. I still contemplated it though. I sat in my car as I shook my leg with anxiety. I want pop. I felt my heart pump. I couldn’t leave the car. I was going to stay in the car until my girlfriend hung up the phone and drive to the nearest gas station to buy my desired treasures. She refused to hang up and wanted to stay on the phone despite her falling asleep. Alas, I got cold, and realized there’s nothing I can do about my craving. I didn’t realize I was an addict until I went to my weekly grocery shopping. I was buying things to feed myself for the upcoming week. I went through all the aisles I needed to and picked out ingredients for meals I could make. I was walking towards the back of the store to get milk, when I passed the pop aisle. I needed pop. I looked at the spaghetti ingredients in my cart and contemplated whether I should swap it out for a 6-pack bottled Fanta. It was the same cost as the spaghetti ingredients. I chose the Fanta. I didn’t realize I was an addict until I went through the middle of the week, when I realized there was nothing in my fridge except leftover milk, yogurt, eggs, and of course Fanta. What did I do to myself? Was I really that addicted to pop? Did I really risk a day’s worth of meals for myself? I opened a bottle and chugged it. I was still hungry. Suddenly I didn’t want pop anymore. I have a friend who was at almost every event that served free food. I didn’t understand and saw him to be a cheapskate and typical college student only attending events for a slice of pizza and scouring the university for any food he could find. I didn’t understand him, until suddenly I was him.
I set my alarm early to go to the open kitchen that the Multicultural Center was serving that day. I waited first in line and was awarded with a Mexican dish as I loaded my tostada with onions, tomatoes, salsa, and guac. I headed to the Women’s Center who served more chips and dip as I loaded my plate with nacho cheese sauce. I went to the LGBT Center to get a dessert, as I attempted to carry another plate loaded with brownies. It saved my day as for once I wasn’t hungry during my noon class. I ate my food with joy, marking my calendar for the next one. I jumped for joy when I walked the halls of the Centennial Student Union as an event that just finished had free food and the workers of the CSU was offering it to whoever was around. I was able to eat pasta, potatoes and bread. I would say that it saved my day, as I knew I spent most of my money on ingredients for a meal for me and my girlfriend and left barely any money for groceries for myself. I stayed late in the CSU and got lucky when after an event, I was served free food again. I filled my plate with bbq meatballs and thanked the lord I had dinner. I attended numerous events for the campus newspaper, even going to things that didn’t particularly interest me for a free slice of pizza or a promise of a meal. I donated a knockoff brand of Louisiana rice and beans and tomato sauce I knew I wouldn’t eat for cups of chili in the university’s chili cook off. It was worth it. I stayed for a two hour panel event as a last minute decision in Ostrander auditorium as it reeked of BO. I left with a plate full of chicken wings. I went to sleep happy that night. I jumped at the opportunity for free food whenever I could, scared that I’d never have the chance for it again if I didn’t. |
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