I honestly thought that Winter break would be a great struggle in feeding myself, but I found that I can always rely on home to be fed. My family Christmas is not like a normal Christmas, we don't open presents until night, we don't have your usual feast of ham and potatoes, and only kids and elderly get presents.
Although I didn't receive many gifts, except a box of nutty buddy's and a fresca from my siblings which I oddly appreciated more than I usually would, Christmas was fantastic. My dad decided to splurge and bought king crab legs to the party, something my broke self hasn't eaten in years. My uncle's decided to make crawfish, my aunts brought cases of pop (which I snuck tons of in my backpack before leaving), she also brought oranges and lychees, my grandma made her famous coconut sticky rice, and my other grandma brought chicken wings and pad thai. I didn't care that my family was watching me in concern as my double chin was slathered in crab meat juice. I ate till I couldn't eat anymore, because I knew when I come back to Mankato I would never be able to have the same opportunity. My family currently do not know that I'm doing this challenge. They have no idea that I've been only spending $25 a week on groceries. Due to my weight gain, they think the opposite of me and that i've been spending and eating too much food. My problem, I think, is that I splurge when I have the chance. During my time at home, I tried to make sure that my family didn't see me pack away too much food.
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Coming home from the holidays brings a lot of criticism from uncles, aunts, grandparents, and most importantly parents. What the hell is a mass media major? You're doing what challenge?! Why? Do you have a boyfriend? And the one critique and question I always get is, "What have you been eating? You look bigger."
Usually, to combat fat shaming, I always wear all black from head to toe to mask any of my chub that could potentially come to the scrutiny of my Asian family. Last time I went with this all black look, I was greeted by my aunties with a hug and a "Wow, you look skinnier!". I was met with a concerned dad who asked me what I've been eating, and here's 20 bucks. Now that concern is not "Aww poor thing, you look malnourished, what have you been eating?" it's more like "What have you been eating?! You look 30 pounds bigger from the last time I've seen you!" The last time I've seen my extended family was in the summer. Looking in the mirror I don't think I've changed. Usually, because of insecurities growing up and being told I need to be skinny, I avoided the scale at all times possible. The last time I weighed myself was last spring for an exercise class. For the purpose of this challenge, I sucked up the courage, went to my grandma's bathroom and weighed myself on her scale that looked like it came out of WW11. I gained 10 pounds. This was shocking, but at the same time I was not surprised. Looking at my past food habits, and lack of exercise minus the aerobics conditioning class, gaining weight is inevitable. With the only healthy thing I've been eating being bananas and frozen broccoli, of course I've gotten a few more chub rolls. Since starting this challenge, I've noticed that I get tired more easily. I subconsciously take the elevator instead of the stairs because I get so short of breath. I'd rather take the shuttle than walk 10 minutes to the free parking lot. I've also noticed that because of my diet on this challenge, my back has begun hurting more. I feel sluggish and just want to lay in bed all day. I get headaches when I lay down too long. I've been more constipated and frequently get stomach cramps. When I have a chance to eat a lot, I take it. My body is constantly on a binging cycle, where I go periods where I don't eat much of anything, and periods where I eat everything. I know that simple changes can be made such as less processed foods and more fruits and vegetables, but with this budget that seems impossible. I'd rather buy $2 pizzas and a family size pack of hotdogs that could last me 4 meals, rather than expensive salad ingredients that could last me two meals and still leave me hungry. I plan to visit the university's dietician this winter break, hopefully we find a solution. For now all I can do is rock my chubby body.... and exercise... yeah, I should exercise. Since last year, I've been unemployed, surviving off of student loan money, the pennies I get from working at the campus newspaper, and leftover funds from working a back breaking 60 hours a week in the summer. It is almost the end of the first semester, and I have enough money to live for another two months.
One of the issues with students facing food insecurity is the struggle with finding a job and getting enough hours to pay for bills, tuition, books, and basic needs. With bills such as rent and tuition that has a deadline to be paid and late fees, sometimes we put off buying food until we have the extra money. I've applied to over six jobs in the course of the semester. I got one call back for an interview but no followup, three rejection letters, and silence. With high rent, a long distance relationship, high gas costs, tuition, books, and holiday expenses, my anxiety is running high every time I apply for a job and hear nothing back. I'm afraid if I don't find a job by February, I won't even be able to afford $25 a week on food. The more and more time passes where I don't have a job, the more I'm scared the food insecurity will eat me alive. Thanksgiving break is almost done, and it wasn't as difficult as I had assumed. After all, it is a holiday of family and lots of food, so feeding myself this week was definitely easier than other weeks. Even though I had to also provide food for my girlfriend who visited for the week, I found that we had plenty of food all thanks to the savior of my life - leftovers. I've got leftovers from my friends, leftovers from my family (shoutout to my mom who assisted I take all the persimmons and asian seafood instant noodles in our family cupboard), and leftovers from my girlfriend's family. It was honestly quite beautiful, but I know that this will not be the same during winter break. I'm scared.
Finals are done in less than 2 weeks from now, and after that is a month long winter break that I'm not sure how will turn out. My girlfriend is staying with me which means an extra mouth to feed, and the fact that without school I'm losing one of the major outlets and resources where I can get free food. That means no more events where I can go and shove cookies in my pockets, no more campus kitchen, no more campus cupboard, no friends to feed me, I don't know what I'm going to do or how we're going to get by. I don't want to be stuck eating hotdogs, peanut butter sandwiches, ramen, and eggs for the whole month, but that might be just what I have to do. |
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