I know I've been MIA on this blog, but life has truly been a disaster for me since the start of this year. At the end of January I got into a car accident and my beloved Subaru Forester - who goes by Judy - has died. Without a car my life has been 10 times harder. I recently got a new job, but I've already found that it's been a struggle to balance work, life and school without Judy. The nearest bus stop to my house is a 20 minute walk. The nearest bus stop to my new job is also a 20 min walk. I feel like it's impossible to survive in Minnesota without a car. Although I'm spending less on not having to pay for gas, I feel as if my finances are in trouble since I'm not able to work as many hours my job requires as the bus stops running at certain times. I've paid almost $30 in Lyfts and Ubers in this past week alone. Money has been a big burden on my life, and without a car, I feel like it's harder to make money.
Since the accident, I went grocery shopping once. It was a terrible experience as I found carrying two bags on each arm and walking uphill to my home extremely straining on my body. I don't know when the next time I'll go grocery shopping as my school schedule, the bus schedule, and my work schedule do not align for me to make a trip to Walmart. For food, I've been relying on boxes of noodles I bought and that my parents gave me, products from the Campus Cupboard, and free food I've been getting from my workplace. I also found it difficult to get items from the university's Campus Cupboard. They've had good products over the last month such as milk, eggs, beef, cheese, yogurt, and other refrigerated items, but I couldn't get any of them. Without a fridge or a place to store them while I'm in classes or an opportunity to go home and put them away, I had no choice but to skip these items. Although I have access to this resource, I found that it wasn't worth going to some days as storing them and carrying them back home is difficult. In this month, I've tried to get help with my finances to improve my situation. My advisor from the Multicultural Center helped me sign up for the school's emergency grant program. At first I was super excited as I had a pretty good case. I'm not getting as much hours at my job, I lost my car, I meet the requirements for being in financial need, I'm graduating soon and not getting this grant could really impact my school work - I thought I was for sure going to get help. However, the emergency grant at MNSU looks at the expected family contribution on your FAFSA report. I wanted to curse and scream when I got an email denying my application because of my FAFSA. As a college student, I find it frustrating that most of my opportunities for getting financial assistance are limited because my mom makes too much money. I'm surviving out of the lint, mints and pennies out of my own two front pockets, and even though I plead with the head of the emergency grant program - it didn't matter. All I received was a polite "sorry" and links for getting private loans. After all of this happened, I decided to go to the counseling center. I left so disappointed and in an even worse mental condition as my appointment was taken up by the counselor giving me advice about filing my accident with the insurance company. I felt she only talked about herself as she told me story after story about car accidents she was in and how she dealt with it and to follow in her foot steps. Towards the end she suggested I had all the "tools" I needed to get through my situation and to make an appointment later if I still felt the way I did. To me it felt almost as if my feelings were dismissed and as though my issues weren't important enough for the counseling center to deal with. I haven't gone back, and I don't think I ever will. Throughout this month, I've been so discouraged every day. I feel like my mental health has gone downhill. I put myself in a position where this is no longer a challenge, this is my life. I am food insecure. I keep thinking about this interview I had for one of my articles for food insecurity. I keep thinking about what she said about how you never think you're going to be food insecure, but you fall into it so fast, way faster than you realize. I liked how she said, "You go in saying, I'm going to be just fine, and lo and behold, two weeks laster, you don't have anything to eat." I relate to this statement so hard, as in the span of a month and half, I found myself to be in that exact position. Last semester I used to think the university was amazing, I found the resources comforting. The thought of having them when I needed them brought me peace of mind. But now that I'm in the position where I desperately need them, I realized they are not as great as they sound on paper. I feel like the university is failing me.
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It is the new year, and I'm worried about money. Two days ago, I decided to open up a new bank account with my $26 check I forgot to cash in a long time ago when I had a temporary job. During the set up with the bank teller, she suggested I sign up for a credit card. After going through the process with her, I was immediately denied. I don't have a stable job, and writing for the newspaper is not enough to pay for a credit card and my expenses.
I applied for over 10 places now, and have gotten four rejection letters. The rest of the places have not gotten back to me. I just applied for two places, and my friend who works at a restaurant is going to see what she can do for me in getting a job there. I hope to find a job by February. The new semester is coming up, I still need to pay for tuition and textbooks on top of my utility bill and rent. I made the decision that until I find a job, I'm going to try to use the $80 in cash my parents gave me for groceries, and nothing else. Instead of $25, I'll be spending $20 a week. If I can't find a job after February, I don't know what I'll do. I honestly thought that Winter break would be a great struggle in feeding myself, but I found that I can always rely on home to be fed. My family Christmas is not like a normal Christmas, we don't open presents until night, we don't have your usual feast of ham and potatoes, and only kids and elderly get presents.
Although I didn't receive many gifts, except a box of nutty buddy's and a fresca from my siblings which I oddly appreciated more than I usually would, Christmas was fantastic. My dad decided to splurge and bought king crab legs to the party, something my broke self hasn't eaten in years. My uncle's decided to make crawfish, my aunts brought cases of pop (which I snuck tons of in my backpack before leaving), she also brought oranges and lychees, my grandma made her famous coconut sticky rice, and my other grandma brought chicken wings and pad thai. I didn't care that my family was watching me in concern as my double chin was slathered in crab meat juice. I ate till I couldn't eat anymore, because I knew when I come back to Mankato I would never be able to have the same opportunity. My family currently do not know that I'm doing this challenge. They have no idea that I've been only spending $25 a week on groceries. Due to my weight gain, they think the opposite of me and that i've been spending and eating too much food. My problem, I think, is that I splurge when I have the chance. During my time at home, I tried to make sure that my family didn't see me pack away too much food. Coming home from the holidays brings a lot of criticism from uncles, aunts, grandparents, and most importantly parents. What the hell is a mass media major? You're doing what challenge?! Why? Do you have a boyfriend? And the one critique and question I always get is, "What have you been eating? You look bigger."
Usually, to combat fat shaming, I always wear all black from head to toe to mask any of my chub that could potentially come to the scrutiny of my Asian family. Last time I went with this all black look, I was greeted by my aunties with a hug and a "Wow, you look skinnier!". I was met with a concerned dad who asked me what I've been eating, and here's 20 bucks. Now that concern is not "Aww poor thing, you look malnourished, what have you been eating?" it's more like "What have you been eating?! You look 30 pounds bigger from the last time I've seen you!" The last time I've seen my extended family was in the summer. Looking in the mirror I don't think I've changed. Usually, because of insecurities growing up and being told I need to be skinny, I avoided the scale at all times possible. The last time I weighed myself was last spring for an exercise class. For the purpose of this challenge, I sucked up the courage, went to my grandma's bathroom and weighed myself on her scale that looked like it came out of WW11. I gained 10 pounds. This was shocking, but at the same time I was not surprised. Looking at my past food habits, and lack of exercise minus the aerobics conditioning class, gaining weight is inevitable. With the only healthy thing I've been eating being bananas and frozen broccoli, of course I've gotten a few more chub rolls. Since starting this challenge, I've noticed that I get tired more easily. I subconsciously take the elevator instead of the stairs because I get so short of breath. I'd rather take the shuttle than walk 10 minutes to the free parking lot. I've also noticed that because of my diet on this challenge, my back has begun hurting more. I feel sluggish and just want to lay in bed all day. I get headaches when I lay down too long. I've been more constipated and frequently get stomach cramps. When I have a chance to eat a lot, I take it. My body is constantly on a binging cycle, where I go periods where I don't eat much of anything, and periods where I eat everything. I know that simple changes can be made such as less processed foods and more fruits and vegetables, but with this budget that seems impossible. I'd rather buy $2 pizzas and a family size pack of hotdogs that could last me 4 meals, rather than expensive salad ingredients that could last me two meals and still leave me hungry. I plan to visit the university's dietician this winter break, hopefully we find a solution. For now all I can do is rock my chubby body.... and exercise... yeah, I should exercise. Since last year, I've been unemployed, surviving off of student loan money, the pennies I get from working at the campus newspaper, and leftover funds from working a back breaking 60 hours a week in the summer. It is almost the end of the first semester, and I have enough money to live for another two months.
One of the issues with students facing food insecurity is the struggle with finding a job and getting enough hours to pay for bills, tuition, books, and basic needs. With bills such as rent and tuition that has a deadline to be paid and late fees, sometimes we put off buying food until we have the extra money. I've applied to over six jobs in the course of the semester. I got one call back for an interview but no followup, three rejection letters, and silence. With high rent, a long distance relationship, high gas costs, tuition, books, and holiday expenses, my anxiety is running high every time I apply for a job and hear nothing back. I'm afraid if I don't find a job by February, I won't even be able to afford $25 a week on food. The more and more time passes where I don't have a job, the more I'm scared the food insecurity will eat me alive. Thanksgiving break is almost done, and it wasn't as difficult as I had assumed. After all, it is a holiday of family and lots of food, so feeding myself this week was definitely easier than other weeks. Even though I had to also provide food for my girlfriend who visited for the week, I found that we had plenty of food all thanks to the savior of my life - leftovers. I've got leftovers from my friends, leftovers from my family (shoutout to my mom who assisted I take all the persimmons and asian seafood instant noodles in our family cupboard), and leftovers from my girlfriend's family. It was honestly quite beautiful, but I know that this will not be the same during winter break. I'm scared.
Finals are done in less than 2 weeks from now, and after that is a month long winter break that I'm not sure how will turn out. My girlfriend is staying with me which means an extra mouth to feed, and the fact that without school I'm losing one of the major outlets and resources where I can get free food. That means no more events where I can go and shove cookies in my pockets, no more campus kitchen, no more campus cupboard, no friends to feed me, I don't know what I'm going to do or how we're going to get by. I don't want to be stuck eating hotdogs, peanut butter sandwiches, ramen, and eggs for the whole month, but that might be just what I have to do. In my earlier blogs, I talked a little about the SNAP process and how tedious it can be. Without a job, I'm ineligible for SNAP and was unable to actually go through the full process myself. My girlfriend, however, applied in September, went through a hassle finding all of her proofs and getting it to the right county office and three months later... still does not have her benefits.
I think SNAP is a wonderful program, and I am not writing this blog to rant, but to shed light on how difficult the process can be. People have the misconception that people on food benefits are using the government and the people's taxes and that they're taking the easy way out, but that's not the case. Week after week, my girlfriend went to check her mail, and each time left disappointed and wondering if her SNAP application got denied. One day, when I was in St. Cloud with her, she checked her mailbox and got a letter with a balance number for her supposed EBT card for October and November. I stared at that letter with frustration. Here is this letter with her balance, but where is the card? After a few phone calls and pestering my girlfriend to contact the county office, we figured out that the mail with the card kept getting sent back to them due to complications with her mail box where the mail person was unable to close it resulting to it getting sent back. Each time they got it back they would send it again to the same address. This usually takes 7-10 business days. Every time I think about this I get so heated. Almost every day when I asked her the usual check-up questions that couples ask each other, and I ask her what she's eaten, it's always something like eggs, a peanut butter sandwich, ramen, or nothing at all. For months, she's been eating this way. It makes me mad that this letter claims she would've had benefits in October to now. For two months, she could've eaten healthier. She could've been fed. She could've for once in this academic year, say that she is full. But because of a faulty mail box and bad communication, she has to live hungry yet another day. It really goes to show, the extra barriers and roadblocks there is when applying for assistance programs like SNAP. Still I feel like that the county office could've done something to prevent any more time getting delayed from her having a resource to buy food. They could've asked her for an alternative address when it got sent back the first time. They could've kept it at the county office and make it an option for her to pick it up. They could've done something than waste two months trying to send a card that for some reason keeps coming back? After annoying my girlfriend to annoy her SNAP coordinator to annoy the office that issues the cards in the Twin Cities get her the card, they said they would try to send the card in the mail once again (which would take 7 to 10 business days) and if the card got sent back (another 7 to 10 business days) they would send it to the county office (another 7 to 10 business days) where she can pick it up. So, if the card is not in her mail box by this weekend, she will be hungry till the end of December. One thing in this challenge that I began to notice a lot is how much people waste food. Every day in the CSU, I watch with hunger as I see someone throw away their half eaten sandwich or their partially drinken frappuccino. Drool drips down the side of my lips as tears fall from my eyes as a perfectly good half-eaten bowl of pho gets tossed in the trash.
“Don’t throw away those fries! Give them to me!” I want to scream to the student who just threw them away like my parents did with me. Who I notice the most that wastes food is the university. I’m a journalist for the campus newspaper, and I go to a lot of events. Most of them involve food. I recently went to American Indian Night, and had to stand in the back as I didn’t have a ticket. I watched sadly as people were served food. I almost cried when I saw them bring out the cheesecake decorated with beautiful fresh berries. I wanted to pretend I was a server so I could take that picture of sparkling juice and chug it down. I miss carbonation. The servers’ wondered the CSU ballroom as they carried plates of cheesecake in their hands. Towards the end when there were still tables but plenty of cheesecake some wandered aimlessly for a good 15 minutes with cheesecake in their hands and gave up and took them to the back. I wanted to yell and wave my arms, “Give them to me! I want cheesecake! I will fight you!” but I remained silent. Only people with seats could have food. What really made me want to bawl my eyes out and made me so frustrated was when the servers’ came back to pick up the “finished” dishes. I stood there in the back as I saw chicken breast after chicken breast scraped off the plate into a huge pile of wasted food. Someone didn’t even touch their food, but the server had to get rid of it anyway. I saw whole pieces of cheesecake being wasted, I saw some with only the crust eaten being thrown out. I wanted to scream, I was so livid. Someone like me would have benefited greatly from those plates of food. Part of me wondered what happened to the leftovers? What happened to the dishes of food in the back? Most likely, they threw it away. This is not the only event where things like this happen. Even during Queer Prom, an event I helped host. After filling as much hummus I could in a container and taking a tray full of pita chips home with me, there was still a considerable amount left and wasted. If you think about it, there’s probably tons of food waste that happens daily in the dining hall. How can the school have less food waste? I really liked when after some events they leave the food out for students to take, but that is so rare. Why not do that for every event? It certainly doesn’t hurt and it could help out so many students. So why not? The school could also partner with Campus Kitchen, who could benefit from those foods as they normally rescue meals from being thrown away and repurpose them. The community could benefit from what could’ve been our food waste. I feel like a phony. What am I doing? This challenge feels like a whole entire charade. I’m literally being something that I’m not.
Even with my $25, I’m better off than most students. I didn’t have to rummage in my car for coins for a pack of ramen. I didn’t have to survive off of oats and water for a whole week. I’m better off. If anything, having $25 a week to spend on food is a blessing. What gets me the most is that this challenge is my choice. Food insecurity is usually not a choice. I am an imposter. My cravings are going crazy. As I caught up with a friend in the halls, she munched on a bag of Takis. Usually I don’t crave Taki’s as the red dust on my fingertips made me feel insanely dirty. Every time I held one in my hand, I felt like a middle school boy with red dust caked under his nails and in the dry crevices of his lips. I felt like my brother.
As I heard the crunch of the chip when my friend bit down on it, all of the sudden I craved it. I ended up sadly sitting in my room watching Hot Cheetos and Takis mukbangs on Youtube. Soon I was in an endless cycle of mukbangs and suddenly craved black bean noodles. I’ve never in my life tried black bean noodles, but boy did I want it. Was I pregnant? No, that can’t be possible, I’m gay! But how else would I explain these immense cravings. My period was two weeks ago. After questioning if I had a rare disease or was the next virgin Mary, I realized that I’m just not used to it. I’m not used to not being able to eat what I want to when I wanted to. Before, if I wanted 20 piece chicken nuggets with honey mustard, I’d get it! If I wanted a large pizza with pepperoni, I’d get it! If I wanted to buy a soft serve cone and dip it in fruity pebbles, damnit, I could do that too! All of a sudden, through this challenge, my brain could not get what it wanted right away. The lack of instant gratification made my brain go crazy as I started to lust after french fries dipped in mashed potatoes dipped in popcorn chicken dipped in mac n cheese dipped in more cheese and deep fried. Every day I found myself going through cravings. I hopelessly looked at vending machines as the snacks started to taunt me. Takis sat in the corner edge of the machine, “I know you want this, hot stuff.” “You’re the hot stuff,” as I drooled over the card reader with my face pressed against the glass. “Cheat! Cheat! Cheat!” the Pop-tarts, Takis, and Snickers bar cheered in unison. I woke up in a panic. It was just another dream about vending machines. I suddenly craved Chinese Buffet fried chicken. |
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